Repaying Edward
by freevents
Summary: Bella Swan is a student at Rochetser University. She has a boyfriend called Alex. Both ALex and Bella are vampires. Edward comes back he never came back in NM , and they both have a plan to win each other back. Let the games begin. M for maybe lemons
1. Chapter 1

Repaying Edward

_Chapter one: Surprise!_

'_You don't…want me?'_

'_No.'_

I smile at Alex over our lab table, not really bothering to pay attention to the biology teacher waffling on in the background.

Alex is my husband, to all intents and purposes. We can't actually make it official since we're technically only nineteen. And while it would be legally possible to get married, it wouldn't suit our agenda of trying to blend in very well. Even in a city like Rochester, getting married that young would cause gossip on a major scale. Something along the lines of; "I bet they're getting hitched because she's pregnant." Which is impossible anyway, because once you become a vampire, you can't get pregnant, so it's a moot point. Besides, I've never really wanted kids. Just not my thing. Maybe it would have been, once, when I was eighteen and with Edward. Maybe then. But he left, left me for good, and the Bella that loved him is gone now, and so is the Bella that barely lived for eight months after he left. Now, in hindsight, I can see that him leaving was a good thing, really. He was too protective, to secretive, and never really took my view into account in anything. For all that I thought he was a gentleman, when it came down to what mattered, he didn't listen.

I miss Alice, though, and the rest of the family. Okay, maybe not Rosalie, but the point still stands. I'm over him. The new Bella is completely different. I've got a boyfriend called Alex and we share a apartment in Rochester. We're both studying for a Major in biology. I am happy. I met Alex in my senior year of high school in Forks, when I was only just recovering from being such a mess. Jacob had helped me so much, but he was only a friend, and I needed something more than that in my life. Of course, he was more than willing to offer, but I never felt that way about him, really. Alex helped me to get completely over Edward, to become a new, better, stronger person. He was a vegetarian vampire too, like the Cullen's, but living by himself. I met him, and fell in love again. Compared with Edward, he wasn't that much older than me, only been born about five years before me, and been changed at eighteen. He didn't know who had done that, whoever his creator was had mysteriously disappeared afterwards, but that didn't bother him. He had wanted to be a doctor, so drinking the blood of humans seemed wrong to him, and he had become a vegetarian all by himself. I was very proud of him for that, even though I hadn't actually been around to witness it. Just after I had graduated from high school, Charlie had suffered a heart attack and had been moved to a care home, no longer able to look after himself properly. I checked in once or twice a year, just to make sure he was okay.

I had already made my decision that a wanted to be a vampire with Alex before then, and it seemed like the best time to do what I intended, so we had taken ourselves into t safely remote part of the woods and done the deed. Eventually, everything worked out quite well, considering. Jacob ended up imprinting, which avoided a lot over embarrassing and stressful conversations, with a girl called Frieda, who was really nice, and we were still great friends.

I roused myself from my memories as the teacher came through the door looking tired and stressed, heaving an overflowing briefcase, a pile of books with a worn out coat hanging over one arm. Honestly, why anyone would put themselves up for a teaching job is beyond me, and I just admire them for their perseverance. It really is truly Herculean. He dumped his bag on the table that was barely visible under all the paperwork stacked there and turned to the waiting class.

'Right, folks, today we have a new student among our ranks.' He announced in a voice that sounded like the owner just wanted to go to sleep in that instant. 'I expect you to treat Edward nicely at the very least, and to refrain from offering him drugs for the time being.' Edward? I felt uneasy at once, and tried to calm myself down. Edward isn't that uncommon a name, when you look at how many Ed's there are in the world. Its ridiculous that he should be here of all places. After all, Alice would have seen me here, so he wouldn't have come. A few laughs went up in the crowd behind me. I couldn't find what was so funny.

'Come on in, then.' He gestured for someone outside the door to enter the classroom. The person on the other side opened the door and stepped inside the room.

_Oh God, no. Please no._

But it was real. I wasn't dreaming (not that I could anyway, I can't sleep anymore). He was here. Edward had just walked into the classroom.

_Shit._

***

I quickly his behind my hair, not wanting him to see me. I wanted to face him on my own terms. He walked behind me and I lost sight of him, his scent swirling in his wake as he blew past me. Even with me extra-sensitive nostrils, I was still unable to work out what he actually smelled like. I was mildly annoyed.

My special vampire talent is to shield myself from other vampire's mental attacks, using a method that Alex had christened 'ghosting'. I basically projected an illusory shield in front of my mind, and all the person could effect was that shield, not me. And it wasn't just mentally I could use my ghosting, either. I could project a sort of another me, that would do exactly what I would, but without me actually been there. i could, for example, create a ghost, and leave it where I was, then just walk out of a room without anyone noticing. When I had a ghost activated (for lack of a better word) I became invisible myself. This was very useful for sneaking out of boring lessons.

This was a lesson I didn't want to stay in, and it had only just started. I motioned to Alex and we got up and left, leaving two ghost sitting behind us in our seats. I needed to tell him about Edward been in the lessons. He already knew all the other stuff, but not what he looked exactly like, so wouldn't have recognised him as anything other than another vampire. We hid out till the lesson ended, which was incidentally the end of the day, until I would have my chance to speak with Edward myself. I planned on giving him a surprise. Both me and Alex thought that Alice hadn't said anything to Edward about me been here, so me suddenly springing on him would be actually possible. As our ghosts left the classroom, we merged back into them seamlessly, and waited for our victim of sorts to come out. Alex waited round the corner; he would hear everything, but I wanted to face Edward on my own at first. I shielded Alex with my mind, and then pounced. I had stopped right opposite the door to the classroom, pretending that the zip on my bag was stuck, so I was in full view of the last people emerging from the classroom, including Edward. I looked him unflinchingly in the eye as he walked out, getting over taken by the hurried teacher as he did so. The corridor was now empty apart from me, him, and Alex round the corner. He stopped dead in the doorway, whiter than white, eyes frozen wide, shocked.

'Bella?' he breathed. He appeared to be having problems with coherency too, and this is coming from a person with a hearing range of about a mile. Bless.

'Hi.' I said, no particular emotion in my voice. He swallowed heavily, Adam's apple bobbing.

'You're…you're…' he squeezed his eyes shut then opened them again, as if that would somehow dispel the image of me from in front of him.

'A vampire?' I put on my best blasé voice for him. 'Cool, huh?' he didn't have an answer for me.

'How?' he whispered. I grinned internally. Now was the perfect time to introduce him to Alex. Hmm… this was going to be interesting indeed.

'My boyfriend changed me. He's a vampire.' I said the last part with a slightly confidential air. Edwards jaw dropped. I was in silent hysterics. 'Would you like to meet him?' he was clearly unable to give me a reply, I pressed on anyway.

'Alex, honey, come here a minute.' Alex sauntered round the corner, looking for the entire world like the very model of a boyfriend in a dark blue shirt, casual tie and jeans. Damn, he looked good. He was smirking, too. He knew I never called him "honey", and was obviously finding my game quite amusing. I checked his shield quickly. Edward had a slight frown on his alabaster forehead as he tried to figure out why he couldn't read his mind, either. Another internal giggle.

'Edward, this is Alex, my boyfriend.' Alex looped an arm around my waist and pressed a light kiss to my forehead. I was having trouble not laughing out loud.

'Hello.' said Edward flatly. He didn't attempt to shake Alex's hand, which was unlike him, and stupid, seeing how he left me, anyways.

'Hi,' smiled Alex warmly. 'You're the infamous Edward, right?' Edward threw me a slight frown.

'She talks about me?' Alex shrugged casually.

'Sort of…from what I've heard you're the boyfriend that broke her heart just after her eighteenth birthday.' Edward looked shocked that I had told him this, like it had been a secret. Of course we didn't have any; we were always utterly open about ourselves. I was determined to show Edward as such.

'We don't have any secrets or hesitation when it comes to expressing our views. When the time came, he just sunk his teeth into me and got it over with without preamble.' Edward looked sickened. Good. Let him have a good look at what he couldn't have. I owed him this, and I was going to show him everything that we could have been, but weren't. Every possibility he left behind.

'I have to go.' He said shakily, and walked out of sight just a bit too fast to be a human. As soon as he was out of earshot, Alex turned to me and grinned his widest smile.

'Whoever said that you were a bad actress is an utter liar.' He hugged me close, burying his face into my hair.

'Oh, that was Edward who said that.'

'Definitely a liar then.'

'Without a doubt.'

***

I walked out of the classroom, my mind in a unruly tangle of black thoughts. Esme had eventually convinced me to start school again, over a year after I left Bella. The pain was still no better; I just had to live with it. Live with myself, and what a horrible monster I was for ruining her life by loving her, and by almost killing her with what I was. I wasn't safe for her, and I wasn't worthy of her. I wouldn't – couldn't – take away her soul just so I could keep her by my side, even though that was what my heart wanted. I stepped out of the classroom, not really looking at where I was going, until a slight breeze wafted down the corridor, blowing a scent towards me. I thought I was finally going mad. It couldn't be. Not Bella. It was impossible. Even though I had told her to stop looking for Bella, Alice would have seen her here, and stopped me, or at the very least told me. And she would have applied for this class herself, if it meant seeing her friend again. She would do anything.

'Bella?' I whispered. Impossible.

'Edward.' Her voice! That voice which I would recognise anywhere at all, do anything for. But it was changed…as was the rest of her. I looked properly at the woman standing before me. She was taller than before, with longer hair with reddish highlights that showed even in this weather. Her chest was fuller, her skin paler and no doubt harder, and her eyes were golden. She was a vampire.

My head span confusingly, trying desperately to reject the image in front of me, while hoping beyond hope it was real. Anger over took everything else; when I found the bastard that had done this to her, committed her to this half life, I was going to rip them limb from limb and burn them at a torturously slow rate. I would kill them.

'Hi.' She said, and I wasn't able to detect anything in her voice.

'You're…you're…' I was still to shocked to form actual sentences, which was unusual for a vampire, and even more so for me.

'A vampire?' she finished for me, a slight hint of humour in her voice. 'Cool, huh?' No, Bella! This is exactly why I left! No! But, again, I couldn't speak.

'How?' I breathed.

'Oh, my boyfriend changed me. He's a vampire.' WHAT? Her BOYFRIEND? She has a boyfriend? A vampire? And he changed her? That was it; I was going to hate this boyfriend, if he was Bella's or not. Partly because he had what I wanted, needed, more so because he changed her into something that I didn't want for her. I left for her, so she could have a normal, happy life with a human, have kids, grow up and get married.

Now she was a vampire, and she couldn't do any of those things. And I hated him for it. I could feel that my jaw had dropped, and I closed it quickly.

'Would you like to meet him?' I didn't have an answer for that one. But, too late, she was calling for him.

'Alex, honey, come here a minute.' This was officially odd. The Bella I knew didn't call anyone "honey". She just didn't. A man walked round the corner, and I silently measured him up. I know it was pointless, I wasn't Bella's anymore, but I couldn't help myself. He was the same height as me, with black hair that was cut so it covered his forehead, and almond shaped eyes. He was wearing a dark shirt, casual tie and baggy jeans. Bastard. He put an arm round Bella's waist and pressed a small possessive kiss to her head, clearly showing me that she was his, not mine. I felt my hatred for increase tenfold.

'Edward, this is Alex, my boyfriend.' Bella said, and I longed to reclaim the title that now belonged to the man standing in front of me. I looked him in the eye.

'Hello.' I said, not shaking his hand because I was loathing touching him. "Alex" smiled at me, with just a hint of warning to keep of his property.

'You're the infamous Edward, right?' he asked. Infamous? Did Bella talk about me that much? I threw her a questioning frown.

'She talks about me?' I enquired; talking like Bella wasn't there at all. Alex shrugged carelessly.

'Sort of…' he replied. 'from what I've heard you're the person that broke her heart just after her eighteenth birthday.' I was shocked. He knew…I didn't want him to. Even though she had every right to tell him, it was…personal. I felt like it shouldn't be shared. It wasn't right. Bella read what was on my face and responded.

'We don't have any secrets or hesitation when it comes to expressing our views. When the time came, he just sunk his teeth into me and got it over with without preamble.' I felt sick. He just changed her? Without thinking it through, without thinking about the pain she'd go through? It was so messed up. For the first time in over a century, I felt physically ill.

'I have to go.' I managed, and then I bolted.

'Alice!' I yelled, charging through the door. I thought I heard a hinge on it break, but I was beyond caring. I slammed it shut, and _definitely_ heard a hinge break. Possibly two. Emmett and Jasper were out hunting, and Carlisle and Esme were both still at work, so the only people here would be Alice and Rosalie.

'Yes?' Alice's head poked round the entrance to her bedroom. From within, I could hear Rosalie's thoughts. _Leave him._ She was thinking. _All he ever does is mope around after his stupid human._ I felt my jaw clench at her. She was so shallow, she didn't even realise when she overstepped the mark. Which was sad, really, she did it so often.

'I need to talk to you.' I growled. She hesitated, trying to see into the future to see what I would say. She turned her head slightly, keeping her eyes warily on mine. 'Rose, I'm going to talk to Edward for a bit. Wait.' An unhappy grumble sounded from inside. She shut the door behind her, leaning on it like it would service as protection.

'Why didn't you tell me?' I accused angrily.

'Edward…' she began, her face guilty.

'Why?' the fight suddenly went out of me, and I flopped ungracefully down on the sofa. Alice sat beside me, uncertainty written all over her body language. 'Why, Alice?' I sighed.

_Oh Edward…I haven't been able to see her for over six months._ Something in her tone reminded me of Esme when she tried to coax me out of the house; sad and caring.

'Since she became a vampire…' I realised. Alice nodded, defeated. Of course; I had never been able to read her mind, and when she became a vampire she had managed to block out Alice, too.

'And Alice…she…she has a new…' I tailed off, unable to finish. Her eyes went round as she realised what I was trying to say. I tried to read her mind, but at the moment there were no coherent thoughts in it. Just blank surprise.

_!!!!_ Slowly, she came back to herself.

'I'm so sorry, Edward.' We sat in silence until Emmett and Jasper came through the door, slightly muddied from their hunting trip. Rosalie drifted out of Alice's room to throw her arms around Emmett. Jasper immediately sensed what I was feeling.

'What is it?' he asked warily. His eyes flicked to Alice, still sitting next to me. 'Alice, what's wrong?'

'It's Bella.' I said. I hadn't spoken her name in over a year since today. 'She's here. And a vampire. With a new vampire boyfriend.' All around me, three minds were in silent shock.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two: Arming and Attack_

After seeing Edward, I dropped Alex off at our flat on my Yamaha motorbike, then whipped out my phone and called Nina. Nina was an old friend of Alex's, and now my best friend. When Alex had moved to Forks, Nina had come with him. They hadn't been in a relationship or anything, but good friends. Like Alice, she loved shopping, but with less expensive taste. She lived on the other side of the city, but it wouldn't take long for her to get here. She picked up the phone on the first ring, ever social-savvy.

'Hi Bella!' she said brightly. 'What's up?' right, I thought, lets do this.

'I want you to take me shopping.' Silence on the other end of the line. I was sure Nina's jaw must have hit the floor by now. A bit hesitantly, I checked she hadn't died of shock.

'So,' I asked nervously. 'What do you say?'

'Yes!' she squealed excitedly. 'I'll meet you at the mall in ten!' and with that the line disconnected.

A bit earlier than ten minutes later, I saw Nina come round the corner of the street. She was slightly taller than me, with dark red hair that fell to the small of her back. She was wearing a bright green silk shirt with black jeans and high heeled, knee length, dark green boots. She grinned at me, walking past a group of spotty teenagers whose head turned in sync with her walk.

'Hi!' she greeted me enthusiastically.

'Hi.' I responded. She grabbed my arm and smirked at me. 'Not having second thoughts about this are we?'

'…No?' she snorted.

'Anyway, why the sudden urge to go shopping? You've never bothered before.' Ah. I hadn't thought about this part. Oh dear.

'Well…my ex-boyfriend turned up today, and….'

'You want to show him what he's missing, right?'

'I suppose so.' She grinned her most toothy, most evil smile, her eyes dancing wickedly.

'Excellent.'

Several hours later, I was armed and ready to face Edward. I had an arsenal of shoes, dresses, impossibly short skirts and shorts, and tops that left very little to the imagination. Prepare to be jealous, Edward. Prepare very well indeed. For some unknown reason, she also dragged me into a lingerie store with an unpronounceable name and bought me several pieces there too, though I insisted Edward would never get even a glimpse of them. But then I thought of what Alex's opinion of the undergarments would be, and agreed to it.

We got back late, driving back to my apartment, the rear windshield barely visible behind the mountain of bags in the backseat. But I was glad. I had needed something to distract me from all the confusing feeling that were swirling through my head at the moment. I had no idea how to approach Edward, and absolutely no idea why he was here in the first place. Hadn't Alice told him I was here? And, above all, what did he think of the whole situation? Was he angry with Alice for not warning him? Annoyed with me for trying to talk to him? I dragged my many bags through the front door of the flat, dumping them on my bed as soon as I could. On my dresser, someone had stuck a post it note to the mirror.

_Bella,_

_Gone out for some amusement with Harry,_

_Don't know what time I'll be back, most likely early tomorrow._

_Love you always,_

_Alex._

I shrugged and started pulling out my new clothes to try on again. Harry was a vampire friend who we had met earlier in the year, and was currently staying in Rochester for the week. I tried on clothes for a few hours, then sat myself down to watch some late-night TV. It was a slow night.

I dressed the next day in a simple outfit; a charcoal silk dress that hugged me in all the right places, with a bubble hem, above the knee, and a scoop neck that showed of my collar bone. Shiny patent red heels to match and I wore my hair in a loose bun on the top of my head, a few tendrils framing my face to balance it out. I applied some eyeliner to bring out my eyes, and dark pink lip gloss, not too shiny, to make my lips look better. I picked out a bright red bag to put my books in, the marched out of the bedroom. Alex's jaw dropped to the floor when he saw me, his eyes bugging out all over my body.

'See something you like?' I teased. He shook his head, smiling to himself.

'You're unbelievable. Come on, let's go, or I'll have to say that you had the cold so we can spend the day at home.' I giggled, then took his hand in my own and walked out the door. It was only a short walk to campus, and it seemed like every male we passed stared at me, until Alex put his arm around my waist and glared at them all. I found it mildly amusing, to be honest. We arrived at school on time, and students were milling about, texting, chatting, hastily trying to finish their work before class started. As we walked towards the entrance, we passed the Cullen's, all but two. Edward and Emmett weren't there. Jasper looked at me, frowning, Rosalie shocked, and Alice, well…flabbergasted was near enough appropriate. She rushed over to me, throwing her arms around me and squeezing me so hard I thought one of my ribs might crack, vampire or not.

'Bella!' she squealed. 'I've missed you so much!' I laughed softly, and explained to Alex.

'Um, this is Alice, Edward's sister.' Alice stepped away, looking my boyfriend in the eye, gaining as much height as she could, which, considering she was only about 4 "10, was a good thing. Then her gaze travelled to what I was wearing, and she half grinned, half gasped in joy.

'Bella!' she cried. 'Where did you get this fashion sense?'

'A friend of mine helped me shop.' She pouted at this.

'You never let me help you shop.' I laughed.

'That was different, Alice. Nina doesn't try to drag me into Gucci or whatever every time I go near the mall.'

'Hmm.' She responded, thinking hard about something. 'I shall have to meet this friend of yours – Nina, was it? – she has excellent taste.' I gasped, pretending to be offended. Been friends with Alice was effortless, easier than thinking, so unlike the confusing doubts I had for her brother.

'Do you not think I have excellent taste, too?' I pouted.

'You never gave me the chance to see it.' She argued. The bell rang, signalling the end of our conversation, and I kissed Alex goodbye, said 'See you around!' to Alice, then walked off to my first lesson. One that was blissfully Cullen-free. I had a wonderful time going mentally through my list of new clothes, coming up with thousands of new combinations that I had not thought to try on last night. The lesson ended, and I strode out of the classroom into the shadowy hall. I pulled my planner out of my bag and checked on my timetable. Damn. The next lesson, English Lit, had Edward in it. I had been banking on a little more time to prepare that this, and now I just had to get the show on the road. I sighed, straightened my shoulders, and sauntered off to my next lesson.

***

'Emmett.' I groaned, 'are you sure about this?' I looked over at him, sitting in the passenger seat of my Volvo. He looked back and grinned his most cocky grin.

'It'll work Edward. Stop worrying. That's the reason we're here in the first place.' I winced at the reference, but knew he was right. Damn it. I really didn't like it when Emmett was right; it usually meant I had done something stupid. Which was true in this case – grade A, first class stupid. I had left Bella. I could still see the reasons why I had left, but somehow they now seemed…irrelevant. Why hadn't this situation occurred to me before? Bella was a smart, funny, kind and attractive person; of course she would have found a new boyfriend. Was I really so full of myself that I thought she would have forsaken all others for me, who had left her? I was sick. Btu still… Emmett's idea made me nervous. When I had told him about Bella and her boyfriend his response had been to laugh and say what was my game plan. I had frowned at him and asked what the hell he meant by that. He gawped at me, then started laughing boisterously.

'You honestly don't know how to win her back?' I shrugged, uncomfortable and wary.

'I'll just tell her I lover her.'

'Edward, Edward, Edward. You have to do much more than that.' I frowned, heavily.

'What do you mean?'

'Seduce her. Dazzle her. You know that sort of thing.' He waved his hand casually. I leapt off the sofa.

'"That sort of thing?"' I screeched, my voice going higher than normal from shock. 'I can't do that!'

'Edward.' He said flatly. 'What else are you going to do? She can't read your mind, you know. She won't believe that you still love her. You have to actually _show_ her.'

' I looked around desperately for some support, but Alice, Rosalie and Jasper were all sending me their mental approval of Emmett's plan. I sighed in defeat.

'Fine. Tell me your plan.'

We pulled up outside school, just as the last students were drifting inside. I sat through my first lesson impatiently, waiting desperately for when I could see Bella again. When I walked into the English classroom, she wasn't there, so I sat down, took out my books and started going through Emmett's game plan in my head. I just hoped I was able to pull it off. I had already checked with Alice that Bella's boyfriend was not going to be here today, so all I had to do was do the deed. I heard the door creek open and my jaw dropped as I saw the vision in front of me. The dark grey dress set off her skin perfectly, making it seem almost transparent, and her topaz eyes seemed to glow from across the room. High heeled red patent shoes made her taller, with a matching handbag for her books. The thoughts of the males around me suddenly went into overdrive.

_Shit, she looks hot._

_Pity she has a boyfriend. That Edward bloke had better watch out for himself if he carries on looking at Bella like that._

_Damn it. I just want to get her up against the wall and…_

I stopped there before I could witness a violation of the woman I loved, imagined or not. It was sickening. There were only one man's thoughts who I found decent and respectable.

_She looks nice. I hope I can find something to wear for tomorrow, though Carrie won't mind. She's going to look better than me no matter what, anyway. Why she likes me is a mystery._ The origin of those thoughts was coming from a quiet man sitting at the back. He was about 5"11, with light brown hair and eyes, with a kind face. He reminded me a little of Ben Cheney in Forks, his loving commitment to Angela. It was nice to know that people like that existed in the world. I turned my gaze back to Bella, trying my best to make my look as persuasive as possible.

'Why don't you sit by me today?' I asked her, trying my hardest to dazzle her into sitting next to me. She smiled – sexily, I suppose that was the only way to describe it – and walked towards me, and I was entranced by the swaying motion of her hips in the heels. I turned my gaze away from that area of her anatomy before she could notice. She sat down, and put her bags under the table, stretching in a way that made me want to lean over and lick her neck, nuzzle her hair. She caught me looking, straightened up and smiled coyly. She rested her hand on the table, accidently brushing her arm against mine in the process. Before in knew what I was thinking, I had seized her hand. Her gaze burned into mine, her hand in mine hovering dangerously before our faces like a ticking bomb. Somehow, my plan popped into my head at that very moment, and, mentally checking that nobody was watching, I kissed her hand, giving her my most sultry look I could manage. Her breathing hitched infinitivally. Hearing her response to my action, I pressed on, moving my lips slowly down her fingers, getting more open-mouthed with every millimetre I covered. She didn't stop me. Just as I reached her fingertip, I reached out and licked the end, flicking it with my tongue. She gave a small gasp, snatching her hand back and turning to face the front of the classroom, her posture tense. I stared at the back of her head, as if willing her to look round from the sheer force of my will. Almost sensing me, she turned around for a half second, and I let every image of her kissing me, her hands in my hair, over my chest, fill my mind with want for her. I could almost feel my eyes darkening, smouldering at her. She turned away quickly. Then the lesson started, the teacher telling us to pull out or books and copy various passages from them. We didn't speak to each other for the entire lesson, and it seemed that in no time at all it was over, the students flooding out the door, the professor beating them all in some unknown hurry. Apart from me, Bella was the last to leave, standing in the doorway, facing away from me. I shivered at what I was about to do, and if I had been human I knew that my heart would be pumping frantically. I stepped closer to her, and I knew she could smell me, right next to her.

'Bella…' I trued to sound seductive, running my hand down the back of her arm as I spoke, leaning into her neck… she didn't move an inch. I trailed my arm up, along the slope of her shoulder, my index finger drawing a line up the side of her neck. I leaned in closer still, my chest pressing into her back, and my lips replaced my finger on her long, graceful neck. I rubbed them softly against her intoxicating skin.

'Mmm.' I inhaled her scent deeply, realising how much I had missed it in the time apart. My hand reached round her and traced her collar bone slowly, remembering how she used to react to that when she was human. Abruptly, I span her around so she was facing me, pushing her against the doorframe. Her eyes were closed, revealing nothing. I brush my lips over her chin, until my top one touches her full bottom lip, and then I press all the way in, kissing her earnestly. She didn't respond, so I tried harder, pressing the whole of her body against me, the touch sending spikes of pleasurable pain through me. Nothing. Then I push my tongue out, forcing her lips open, and she snapped. Suddenly she was kissing me back, her tongue fighting mine, her hand in my hair, tugging on it, the other fisting the back of my shirt in her hand. I forced us even further into the door, pushing her upwards so her head is level with mine, and she wrapped her legs around my waist, the heels on the shoes digging into my back. I groan, then pull back to look at her face.

Her eyes were tightly squeezed shut, refusing to look at me. I suddenly felt strangely desperate.

'I still love you, you know. I always will.' I declared, an uncertain note of petulance in my voice.

'I have to go.' She whispered, and then shot out of the door.

***

'I still love you, you know. I always will.' The words sent shockwaves through my body, and I desperately tried to reject them. He didn't love me. He left me. What he said was impossible. And cruel. As much as I loved Alex, trusted him, there was a darker, more primitive part of me that still loved Edward. It always hurt to think of him, and what he did, but kissing me had pushed me off the edge, and suddenly none of it had mattered. It didn't matter that he left me, that I had almost got killed by Laurent because of him, that he had taken my best friend, Alice, from me, that he had taken away a whole life I had chosen, so I could love him and keep him. He had ripped all of that away from me; but when he kissed me like that, all that mattered was that he was in my arms, holding me.

'I have to go.' I stepped past him and ran down the corridor, almost fell over, then tugged off my heels and ran faster, too fast for any human to see me. I didn't know where I was going, only that I wanted to leave this unbearable pain behind me, in the wind that rushed in my wake. I ended up in a secluded part of the park, hidden by trees and bushes, and I collapsed onto the grass and sobbed until the sun went down. My phone rang, and I ignored it, not bothering to answer, just lying there as the answering machine kicked in.

_'Hi!' _My voice spoke, bright and happy, laughing._ 'I can't pick up at the moment, but if you leave a message then I'll het back to you as soon as I can. Here comes the beep; you know what to do!'_

'Bella?' it was Alex. I made no move to answer the phone, just listened to the message play out. 'Bella, where are you? Please pick up soon. I'm worried about you.' I half smiled, half sobbed at that. He loved me so much, but I could never be in love with him completely. Why couldn't I just love one person? Why did I have to be so unfaithful? It wasn't fair! I made up my mind then. If Edward wanted me, then he would have to fight for me. I would play every trick in the book if necessary, but I needed to see him prove what he had said earlier. But how? I couldn't tell Alex, or Nina (because she would tell him), so I picked up my phone and dialled the one person who I knew would help me, the one person who would stand by me through pretty much anything, I reckoned. They answered on the third ring.

'Alice.' I sniffed. 'It's Bella. I'm in the park. Can you pick me up?'


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter three; Explanations_

It didn't take long for Alice to arrive. Before I knew it, I was climbing into the silver Volvo that starred in equal amounts of fantasies and nightmares. Within seconds we were speeding across town. When I looked at her face, Alice was the most sombre I had ever seen her. I was too tired to go through the niceties, so I cut to the chase.

'Do you know what happened today, Alice?' at first she didn't answer, and then, almost hesitantly, whispered a 'Yes.' I laughed, slightly on the hysterical side.

'Well, that saves time for me.' She tensed for a moment, looking like she was about to cry, then all the words she had been holding back came at once.

'Oh Bella, I'm so sorry! I should never have let him leave, and now you're a vampire, and us leaving was all a waste of time, and you and Edward got your hearts broken for nothing! I'm so sorry, I didn't even say goodbye.' I just looked at her, unable to form a rational response through my hazy state. Slowly, her words began to sink in, trickling through my groggy filter until the meaning became clear.

'What? Edward got his heart broken? You were right on the first bit, but definitely not the second, Alice. Why would he get his heart broken? He was the one that left.'

'What do you mean?' she frowned at me, desperately confused. As was I.

'He left, Alice. He didn't want me anymore. Makes sense, I suppose, I was just a little girl, a human, a distraction.' Alice had gone from confused to suspicious now.

'What did he tell you, Bella?' her voice was dark.

'He didn't want me anymore. Didn't love me.' He face and body suddenly went rigid, her eyes blazing with anger.

'That…that…that bastard!' the words exploded out of her, and I jumped a little at the profanity. Her teeth bared in anger, hissing, she swung the car around, turning back the other way.

'Alice? Where are we going?' I asked her; desperate to know why she was so enraged at her brother.

'Back to our place.' She answered, her voice still flaming. 'I am going to have little talk with Edward, and you are going to stay in the car. Then we are going to plan a little revenge for my dear brother.' Hearing her speak like that, I almost felt a bit scared for Edward. He wouldn't know what hit him.

We pulled up outside the Cullen place, a sleek tower of high tech flats built for luxury living. Alice parked the car in the underground parking lot, the we rode the elevator up to her family's part of the building. I didn't know whether I felt excited or nervous. I decided on both, in the end. The elevator pinged open, and I stepped into a large room, spacious, with huge windows down the opposite wall, giving a spectacular view of the city at night, and three cream couches, with a gargantuan plasma TV facing them. The overall impression was one of wealthiness combined with comfort. But I wasn't here to enjoy all the mod cons.

'Edward!' Alice called, and though it wasn't loud there was a menacing edge to it that commanded attention. Five vampires were almost immediately standing before us, with wary but excited expressions on their faces. Slowly, a door down the corridor that extended to the right of me opened, and Edward stepped out. He did a double take when he saw Alice's furious expression, and me standing behind her. His entire face lit up for just a second, and I guess Alice saw something, because she suddenly growled.

'Don't even think about, Edward. You lost that right over a year ago, when you lied to her.' Emmett's head was swinging between Edward standing in the corridor and me and Alice to his right.

'Edward, Alice, what's going on?' Esme asked, her motherly voice breaking the tense silence that had erupted. Carlisle spoke to.

'Yes, son, what does Alice mean that you lied?' I suddenly realised that Alice had deliberately spoken aloud, when she could have just thought at Edward, because she wanted these questions to be asked. Edward looked frantic, looking round desperately trying to find somebody that would help him win the argument. He found none. He sighed, shoulders drooping, eyes hitting the floor in shame. I felt my anger at him go up a notch at his apparent embarrassment of having to admit whatever he was going to say.

'I…I lied to Bella when we left.' He directed his confession to the carpet he was standing on. 'I told her I didn't want her anymore. I lied to her.' Numerous shocked gasps filled the room, the loudest of which was mine. My world span at a dizzying angle, my feet miraculously staying on the ground.

'Why?' Esme whispered. 'Why did you do that, Edward?'

'I thought it would make it…easier. That she could let go sooner. A clean break. And it was pointless, because it didn't keep her safe at all.' Some point during that, I regained use of my voice.

'Maybe if you had seen that earlier, this wouldn't be a problem for you. And that's all it is. Your problem, because I'm happy enough with what I've got now, and more than happy with Alex and been a vampire. So if you want me back, fight for it. I don't give in easily anymore.' Edward looked shocked; he had never seen me truly angry before, and it was far more impressive now that I was a vampire. Behind Edward's back, I saw Rosalie grin and give me the thumbs up. I ignored that for the time been. My attention suddenly snapped back to Edward as he retorted to my outburst.

'What, compete with your idiot of a boyfriend? Not likely.' He shot back. 'he's so stupid he changed you at first glance, the probably had you afterwards.' Esme gasped at her son's language, and I saw Jasper wince as my anger levels went through the roof. My body was shaking from it. I looked him straight in the eyes, and for a moment I think it dawned on him what I was about to do. I lurched forward, swinging my leg outward, and it collided solidly with Edward's groin, sending him through the wall of what I presumed was his bedroom.

'Well at least he didn't run off at the first chance he got.' I hissed at him as he was lying on the floor amongst the rubble, curled into the foetal position. I glanced at the damage for a moment, and the grabbed Alice's hand and pulled her towards the door. On impulse, I turned and glared at Edward with every ounce of anger I had for him in my eyes. He cowered into the floor.

'Oh, and by the way, I'm not paying for the wall.' Then I strode out of the door, my head held high and proud.

***

'Edward!' I heard Alice's voice ring through the house and instantly knew I was in trouble. For what, I didn't know. My plan to kiss Bella had gone both very well and spectacularly badly at the same time. She had given in to me, but in the end had pushed me away and walked off. I suppose it held a certain ironic symmetry to what I had done to her. When we had first met, I had spent weeks trying to avoid her, but eventually given in to the love I felt for her. But I had ended it all, ended both hers and my happiness by telling her I didn't love her, and leaving her alone in the woods. Only it seemed she had managed quite well afterwards, finding herself a new boyfriend and been changed shortly afterwards. She had finally got what she had wanted; immortality with a man who loved her wholeheartedly. Only that man wasn't me.

I slowly opened my door and stepped out into the corridor, and looked for where Alice was. And there behind her, looking like an angel, was Bella, her gorgeous face impassive, the topaz depths unreadable. For a moment all my doubts lifted, and seeing her, here, in my house, I wanted to run over to her and kiss her all over again. But apparently, Alice didn't like that.

'Don't even think about, Edward. You lost that right over a year ago, when you lied to her.' She spat at me. I vaguely realised that there was an audience beside her; the rest of my family had come to watch this scene.

'Edward, Alice, what's going on?' Esme questioned, her voice uncertain. Carlisle looked confused, and voiced it.

'Yes, son, what does Alice mean that you lied?' I glanced at alice, realising that she wanted my family to know this, and for me to have to admit it. I panicked, dropping my eyes to the floor, ashamed and angry simultaneously.

'I…I lied to Bella when we left.' I lacked the courage to look anyone in the yes as I confessed. 'I told her I didn't want her anymore. I lied to her.' Everyone gasped, shocked, and their thought went spinning in confusion.

_What? How stupid is that? The idiot!_ :Jasper.

_No wonder Bella has a new boyfriend! Honestly, how stupid can you get?_ : Emmett.

_And I thought Bella had a problem. Can you hear me, Edward? Because if you can, you don't deserve Bella, after what you've done! _: Rosalie.

_How could he have done this to himself, to her? _: Carlisle.

_Oh Bella…I should have thought…her boyfriend, of course…_ : Esme. Alice's thoughts were still so angry they were beyond coherent thoughts.

'Why?' Esme whispered. 'Why did you do that, Edward?' her question sent a wave of guilt through me, and my head bowed even lower in shame. I was barely able to reply.

'I thought it would make it…easier. That she could let go sooner. A clean break. And it was pointless, because it didn't keep her safe at all.' My voice became angry towards the end, angry at myself, because I had hurt Bella again in leaving, and broken my own heart, and now she didn't love me at all. She suddenly spoke from behind Alice, and for the first time I noticed how the change had altered her emotionally, too. When she accused me, she no longer looked or sounded like a angry kitten, but the full-blown, furious tigress.

'Maybe if you had seen that earlier, this wouldn't be a problem for you. And that's all it is. Your problem, because I'm happy enough with what I've got now, and more than happy with Alex and been a vampire. So if you want me back, fight for it. I don't give in easily anymore.' I was shocked; whatever I had been expecting from her, it had not been that. She wanted me to fight? Well, damn it, I would fight, and if determination is anything to go on, I would win. Her anger was impressive and scary now that she was a vampire, and I felt myself tensing up for a fight instinctively.

_Go Bella! She damn well deserved to have a go at him, the jackass. _Rosalie's thoughts surprised me; she had never seemed to be in Bella's favour before. Great, just one more person who now hated me even more. Though in this case, it was slightly less justified than Bella's anger, even if it was only a new development in an old grudge. At the reference to her boyfriend, anger sudden;y flared up inside me, and though it was anger at myself, I couldn't control myself, venting it on the one person who I felt the most strongly about; Bella.

'What, compete with your idiot of a boyfriend? Not likely.' I spat. 'He's so stupid he changed you at first glance, the probably had you afterwards.' Esme gasped, and I read from Jasper's mind that he was having a hard time dealing with the emotions in the room at the moment. The only thing keeping him here was in case he was needed to break up a possible fight. Bella's eyes snapped up to mine, her body shaking with rage, and for a small moment I had a small vision of my own.

_Oh God, No._ before I could stop her, her foot came swinging up, and smacked me right where it hurts, sending me crashing through my own bedroom wall, dust swirling around me as I curled up in pain amongst the mess. Standing over me, looking like some glorious and frightening goddess of punishment stood Bella, fury still plain in her features.

'Well at least he didn't run off at the first chance he got.' She hissed, and I shrank away from her at the tone she was using, bracing myself from another, completely justified attack. She shot me one more enraged glare before taking Alice by her wrist and hauling her out the door. Just as she reached it she turned, hair flying out from her face, eyes spitting fire.

'Oh, and by the way, I'm not paying for the wall.' I heard a small choke of laughter from Rosalie, and then my one and only love strode out the door, proud, beautiful and defiant.

Almost the second she was out of earshot, laughter erupted around the room, with only Esme and Carlisle remaining serious, though a small smile played across my father's face.

'Man,' laughed Emmett, doubled over with hilarity. 'You got owned. She's definitely improved with age.' He pretended to wipe a tear from his eye, though of course he couldn't cry at all. Jasper, standing next to him was in absolute hysterics, pumped full of everyone else's mirth. He was convulsing so badly it looked like he was in actual pain from it.

'I have to say, I was wrong about her.' Rosalie giggled. 'it's good to know she's finally got out of the Mary Sue persona and actually grown a backbone.' I growled at her, but in the position I was lying in it probably only made me look ridiculous. I pulled myself up out of my sitting position and brushed some of the dust from my jeans. Slowly, but with the occasional snicker, the laughter was dying down. I reached for the landline phone, dialled directories, and asked for the nearest DIY store.

I was still fuming as I got behind the wheel of the silver Volvo, with Alice climbing into the passenger seat beside me. Without so much as a thought in my head, I was off, racing down the now empty streets of the city, out of town. I only came to myself when I automatically pulled up out side a house, stopping the car in a small space between two cheap super-minis.

'Bella,' Alice's voice was slightly timid, most likely from my outburst earlier. 'Where are we?' I glanced out the window, analysing the house we were parked next to.

'Nina's place, I think. Come on, lets go inside.' I opened the car door, hearing Alice doing the same behind me, and walked to the front door. I raised my fist and knocked loudly, knowing that Nina would be awake inside. She pulled the door open, invited us in, and before I knew it I had fessed up the whole situation to Nina. She looked thoughtful. Grinning wickedly, I turned to my other best friend, sitting next to me on the scarlet leather couch, her spiky black hair looking messier than normal.

'So, what was that you were saying about revenge before, Alice?' a slow smile lit up her tiny face, and for a moment I felt afraid of her again, all devious 4'10" of her. How jasper managed with that I didn't know.

'Oh yes,' she drawled slyly. 'Revenge.' We spent the rest of the night plotting.

'Come on Edward, you must have some better ideas that that.' Jasper commented, slightly exasperated.

'Sorry.' I said grumpily. 'I don't. Anyway, Emmett seems to be the professional in these things.' I turned to my burly brother. He was grinning from ear to ear.

'Well, I do have a few ideas…' I leaned closer.

**Hello! Thank you to all the people who have read my stories, and extra big thanks to those that have reviewed. I don't know if Bella should go with Alex or Edward, so I'm leaving it up to you, the readers and the stars of my life. Just send in a review (you can do this if you're not a member, too) with either Alex or Edward in it. **


	4. Author's note

**Author's note:**

**The main reason I wrote this story was because, though there are many out there like it, in all of them it seems that Bella never really gets the chance to have a good rant at Edward, which, personally, I think he damn well deserves. Don't get me wrong, I love him (who doesn't?) but be fair, if some gut just upped and left you out of pretty much nowhere, I reckon you would be pretty pissed. Even you, guys, can understand this, if something similar has happened to you with a ex-girlfriend. Also, in most of those similar stories, Bella isn't a vampire, but does have a new boyfriend. In them, it says she's reformed into a new, sassy individual. My story is much like that. So I'm going to let her have a good rant before she goes back to him.**

**Review and tell me if you agree. If not, I'm still open to discussion.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Right, everyone, I'm going to give you a bit of a shock in this chapter. Obviously, since Edward never came back, the whole time when he wasn't there is different. Anyway, as detailed in my previous author's note, I'm going to let them have a good rant at each other, and reveal some stuff about what Bella did when he wasn't there.**

**Not for younger readers.**

_Chapter Four; Feeling_

Alice insisted that she took me shopping again and then back to her house. I baulked at the second part, both embarrassed at what I had done to the wall, and not really wanting to face Edward again. But, as always, Alice was determined to get me there, and, knowing it would do me no good to complain, I succumbed. She pushed me into her car, but then I reminded her that I had ridden my motorcycle to meet her, and didn't want to leave it on the other side of town for someone to nick. Reluctantly, she allowed me to get on the bike and ride it to her house instead. She followed behind me, and through the tinted windows I could see her eyes rolling at me and she overtook me and drove scarily fast to the apartment. She tugged me to the elevator, and we rode the rest of the way up. She assured me that Edward wasn't going to be home for hours, so I warily agreed to stay for a while, but stipulated that I was leaving before he got here, because I didn't want to give myself the chance of slipping our game plan away. At least that's what I told her. My real reason was that I still needed time to psyche myself up before I had any further encounters with him. I wasn't ready to face him...yet.

I was received with a warm welcome at the Cullen residence, and I forgot my sense of time as immersed myself in their friendly familiarity. I played on the Xbox with Emmett and Jasper, a competitive game of go-fish with Rosalie, Alice, and even Carlisle, and relieved my travels to them. I avoided talking about Edward, and they didn't press the subject. It felt right, and felt like home. I didn't realise how late I was until Alice suddenly spaced out on us, having a vision, resurfaced and told us what she had seen.

'Sorry, Bella. He's coming back.' I immediately leapt to my feet, but Emmett laid a large hand on my shoulder.

'How long, Ali?' he asked. She sighed and shook her head.

'Not long enough. He's already in the elevator. He'll be here in six...five...four...three...two...one.' the door banged open. Everyone froze, tensing, as if waiting for the tension to erupt. The only thing I could hear was the breathing of eight different people in the room. It felt like I was moving in slow motion, as I turned beneath Emmett's arm to face Edward. His eyes were wide and dark, his nostrils flared, and his entire body was rigid. His gaze wheeled around the room before landing on me.

'Bella.' He said stiffly.

'Edward.' I replied. Keeping the same tone. I shrugged off Emmett's hand and headed for the door. 'Thanks Alice. See you soon.' I heard her mumble a 'yeah.' I made to step past Edward, who was still frozen in the doorway, and then bolted down the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator, and in a single moment I was outside in the car park. I heard footsteps behind me, and whirled around to see Edward standing behind me, wearing strangely desperately on his face. I shook my head, disgusted with him, bitter. Suddenly, he caught my wrist in his hand in an iron grip. My breath stuck in my throat, my body already responding to the rising strain in the air. Abruptly, all the questions I had about the Cullen's presence rose to the surface, spilling from my lips. Through me anger, I saw the rest of his family file out of the building, watching us.

'Well go on, then.' I challenged. 'Why are you still here? You left me before; why stick around now?' he didn't respond.

'Why?' I suddenly started shouting, tearing myself away from Edward's grasp. 'Why, Edward?' his head shot up, his burning black eyes meeting my own.

'Because I love you, damn it!' he yelled. 'I left because I loved you, to protect you, and I'm staying because I still love you!'

'Protect me? Protect me! You left me a mess, barely alive! You don't know half of what I did when you were gone, do you? Charlie made me go to a shrink, for God's sake!' I screamed back.

'I loved you, Bella! I was putting you in danger every day, by just being with you! You didn't belong with me...'

'Didn't belong with me?! Bloody hell, Edward, we loved each other! Was that not enough for you?'

'Bella-' he interrupted. I cut him off quickly.

'I don't want to know anymore, Edward! I've had enough. I'm not some naive little teenage girl anymore, not some porcelain girl that is so fragile she can't take care of herself! That's what you always thought about me, isn't it? But when it came down to how I felt, you thought I didn't know what I meant-'

' I never thought that about you, Bella! You know how easily I could have hurt you!'

'Then why didn't you change me, then? If you loved me so much, why didn't you think of what I wanted? I wanted to spend the rest of time with you, and you didn't give it a second thought!'

'I couldn't just take away your soul, take away everything you had! I just couldn't, Bella!'

'You were everything I had! Everything! I loved you so much...' I tailed off, feeling the sobs beginning to congest my body. His face was tortured, and I felt a twisted surge of joy at the expression.

'I'm sorry...truly, I am. I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you. I promise.'

'You have no idea how many lies there are in what you just said, do you?' I laughed bitterly, hysterically. 'you been sorry is the very root of this, Edward. You never had any self esteem, always deemed yourself a monster for being a vampire, never thought yourself worthy of anything, and some part of you never really believed that I loved you, did it?'

'Of course I knew you loved me! Bella, - ' I interrupted him, continuing my rant.

'And it's too late to make it up to me now, Edward. Far too late. You broke my heart, and nothing can make up for that! And everything you promised didn't really matter, in the end, did it? You told me that you would never hurt me if you could help it, you told me that you would be here forever. And it was all a lie. And I was stupid to believe it, all along.'

'It wasn't a lie! I did love you, did want you forever, and didn't want to hurt you! Truly, Bella! Please don't be angry, please! I love you! Please!' I backed away, and realised something. My eyes flickered past Edward, who looked like he would cry if he could, to Alice, who was frozen with shock, staring right back at me, her wide dark eyes filled with a kind of wary fear. A flash of memory span through my mind.

'_I haven't been able to see you since you became a vampire.'_ So she had been able to see when I was human. All along, she had been able to see me, even though Edward had told her not to.

_She must have been able to see that, at the very least. But...she hasn't told him?..._

'Didn't Alice ever tell you?' I blurted out, before my brain had a chance to stop the words.

'Tell me what? What didn't she tell me? Alice?' his head turned towards her, furious, and he growled, a threatening sound. Jasper took a defensive stance in front of her.

'Edward, calm down.' He tried to send waves of calm towards Edward, but they had no effect apart from to increase his anger exponentially.

'Alice,' he snarled. 'What are you keeping from me?' she opened her mouth, shaking slightly, clearly intimidated by Edward when he was so angry. Her frantic eyes flashed to me, desperately trying to get me to help. Not wanting her hurt, I intervened.

'I did some things when I was human, Edward. I'm pretty sure that Alice saw them, and kept them from you. She didn't want you to see; so she kept them from you. I'm surprised you haven't found out before now.' His head snapped back round to me, and he looked absolutely livid. A spark of fear went through my body, before I quelled it.

' Bella! What did you do? Tell me, now!' my anger flared up again at the way he spoke. My emotions now had complete control over me, and I was helpless against the sheer burning power of them. I was tired of trying to keep them locked up.

'You have no right to speak to me like that, Edward Cullen!'

'When it comes to what people are lying to me about, I damn well do!' Esme gasped at Edward, and my anger increased to a level where I almost found it physically painful not to punch him, and across from me Jasper looked positively nauseous.

'I took drugs, alright!' the words burst out of me, unstoppable. Shocked gasps sounded all around at me, Alice hung her head, Jasper holding and comforting her; Emmett had gone pale, Rosalie next to him gaping at me, Esme was shaking terribly, and Carlisle looked so disappointed and worried I felt a small stab of shame in my gut. I looked at Edward. He was utterly still, jaw clenched, eyes wild in a furious tangle of emotions, staring at me with a mixture of anger, wariness and sadness.

'Which one?' he whispered. Alice cringed in Jasper's arms, and a shudder ran through her brother. 'it was more than one, wasn't it?' I nodded tersely.

'Crack, Ecstasy, Heroine, Meth, Cocaine, Marijuana, Pot, Novocain, Magic Mushrooms, Cannabis, Narcotics,' I reeled off. Even though human memories fade after the change, I could never forget those names. Edward looked like he might be sick.

'That many?' he choked.

'Practically every drug in the book.' I said, making an effort to keep my voice void of emotion.

'Anything else?' he sounded like he was barely able to form the words to come out of his mouth. I shrugged. His eye widened at5 the casual gesture.

'I smoked a lot. Charlie sent me to rehab for a month. I was lucky I had Alex and Jacob; without them I would be dead by now for sure. I had three suicide attempts. They found me in time.' I smiled dreamily at the memory of Alex, when I told him I was on drugs. He had encircled me in arms, held me, kissed me, and told me he would do anything for me, starting by making me better. He had still loved me, through all of that, through everything. Jacob had been the best friend imaginable, helping me too. Without them, I would be dead and buried by now. I thanked God for them. Edward, in front of me, fell to his knees and buried his head in his hands, dry sobbing.

'Suicide...' he looked up at me with tortured eyes. 'I'm sorry...I'm sorry that I ever left you Bella, and caused you to do those things. I'm sorry for everything.' I didn't say that it was Ok, that it was my fault, not his, that I made those choices, because we both knew that it wasn't my fault at all, that it wasn't OK, and that I wouldn't even had to come close to those choices if it wasn't for him. He had chosen to left me, and I had payed the price, with drugs and suicide. He payed the price of me loving and trusting another man. Instead, I said just one thing.

'I'm sorry, too. Sorry that I was ever stupid enough to love you.' His body trembled with the force of his grief, and I could find no compassion in me to go to him. I turned away; void of any emotion at all, got on my motorbike, and rode off into the night. As the wind whipped past me, I found myself remembering again...

_I stabbed the needle into my arm, the pain only a faint disturbance on the edges of my mind as the Heroin took over my body. My hands became heavy, unwilling to remove the syringe from my arm, and my breathing slowed. I smiled to myself, and saw the others around my doing the same, as the steady Euphoria took over them. For others, the drug meant that they were lifted above the usual day to day feeling of repression. For me, it meant I came somewhere close to achieving a normal level of peace. I had been taking Heroin for just over a month now, and these brief respites from my catatonic depression were my only outlet in life. I had already attempted to take my own life, but Jacob had found me before I could plunge the knife into my now broken heart. When I was little, I had wondered what it felt like to be a ghost; and now I knew. Being a ghost meant that you were caught between life and death, where the only living part of you was your body. It meant that nobody saw you anymore, as normal people could only see the living. Before attempting to kill myself, I had wondered if there was an afterlife, and if there was, would I feel pain there, or would he be there, loving me like he had pretended to do before he left, or would I be alone again. Would hell make an exception for me, who had no soul left for either angel or saint to weigh, and send me to heaven, or send me to hell, where I would simply continue my life as it was here?_

_It had been four months since he left, and after the first week I had begun to sink steadily into darkness, attending wild parties just to get myself drunk and forget everything, aided by sex. It was at one of those parties I had been first introduced to drugs; and I hadn't given it a second thought, then or now. I had a relationship with my dealer, Jack, who I regularly came to for sex and alcohol that you couldn't buy at eighteen. I wasn't even sure if I liked him or not, but he sure liked me. My body, and willingness to accept drugs he liked, at the very least. I had taken every drug available to me, and with the most amount of relish I could summon up, which wasn't much at all. _

_I resurfaced a few hours later, lying on a couch with a man, undressed from the waist down, on top of me. I looked at myself, realising that I was utterly naked. My clothes were lying in a heap next to the couch, with a few rips in them. I got up, dressed, and headed home._

I shuddered at the memory of those dark times I had endured while Edward was gone. I hadn't met Alex then, and Jacob and Charlie simply wasn't enough to get me out of my depression. Then I had fallen in love again, with Alex, and suddenly everything I had done seemed stupid and pointless, because was it really getting me anywhere? He showed me the world anew again, and helped me through all of it; ditching the drugs and the alcohol, living life again, loving. When we had first got intimate, it wasn't just the quick fucks I had previously experienced, it was making love, and my heart still swelled with pride for him and all that he had done for me. I stumbled into the flat we shared, and before he could ask where I had been, I pushed him against the wall and kissed him lovingly. He caught onto my desperation and kissed me back, and we spent the rest of the night otherwise occupied.


End file.
